Things I'm Thinking About
On stepping over Legos, holding contradictions, and raising the next cavalry
Things I’m thinking about:
1. On the impossible contradiction of motherhood right now: “Just a minute, buddy. Mom just accidentally saw a video of another person getting murdered by government agents and she needs a second before she helps with your Lego set.” Is what I wish I could say when my second-grader interrupts me scrolling through news about Alex Pretti, or when my kindergartener wants to talk about decorating his shirt for the 100th day of school while I’m reading about five-year-old Liam Ramos, taken from his driveway in his bunny hat and sent to a detention center in Texas. We’re stepping over Legos while processing violence we can’t explain away or scroll past. Holding our kids close while knowing someone else no longer can.
2. On holding heartbreak and hope: I feel like I’m constantly holding heartbreak in one hand and hope in the other. It’s emotional whiplash, and I can’t figure out how to make it stop. We share information. We donate. We get trained. We protest. We light candles. And still, it never feels like enough. That feeling isn’t failure though. I think it’s actually love colliding with grief. Some things that help me cope: Watching comfort shows, moving my body, lighting my favorite incense. Cozy clothes and my weighted blanket. Snuggles with my kids while it’s cold and icy outside. Legos with Lincoln. Being silly with Beckett. Group chats with my friends. None of this is me pretending like it’s all not happening. It’s helping me to be able to keep up with what’s going on, organize within my own community, provide mutual aid. I know I can’t let myself fall into a bottomless pit of despair. Here’s the pep talk I’ve been giving myself: What you’re doing matters. You are paying attention. You are protecting your kids and your neighbors. You’re not alone in feeling like it’s not enough. Take a deep breath. Kiss your kids at bedtime. You are doing more than you think. The world needs you. And the world needs you to stay in it.
3. On caring about all children: James Baldwin wrote: “The children are always ours, every single one of them, all over the globe.” All of a sudden, it feels like caring about all children is considered “radical,” but isn’t that how it should be? The real question is how anyone can watch children being separated from their families and not feel sick about it. When I look at Liam Ramos, I see my own kids.
4. On stepping up: Here’s what gives me hope: Tens of thousands marched through Minneapolis in subzero cold. More than 700 businesses closed in solidarity. Dozens of clergy members were arrested in peaceful protest. Minnesotans aren’t staying silent. A lot of them are parents just like me. They are also teachers, nurses, and faith leaders. People who love their communities, their country, and their children. They’re all refusing to look away. The cavalry’s not coming. We are the cavalry, and we’re raising the next cavalry too.